“Ladies and gentlemen thank you for coming to this review of our performance in parliament during the last session, and some thoughts for the future.  And a big welcome to the large media contingent: as you can see, we have provided a feast of medieval proportions for you, and we expect you to tuck in with gusto. Our caterers have excelled themselves this time, and I hope each of you will pick up one of their business cards (with an attached discount voucher) as you leave.

Our results show that the decision to form a political party with the catchy name of Party Party was a good one. Our motto of have fun, make money and puncture pomposity seems to have caught on, and our membership is growing in leaps and bounds.

Fate did play a part in our success. I have no idea how a crocodile got into the fire pool at Nkandla. But, as the world now knows, president Zuma sustained a fatal heart attack when it bit him as he floated by on his lilo. This brought about such an upheaval in the ANC that an early election was called; but there was enough time for us to launch our party.

As expected, the ANC achieved a much smaller majority than ever before, getting only 51 percent of the vote. But nobody expected our cheeky upstart party to do so well. Getting ten seats in our first election battle was amazing. Even we were surprised.

We also have no idea who put an inflatable crocodile into Mr Zuma’s coffin, and who suddenly inflated it as Mr Mugabe solemnly filed past while the body was lying in state. As you know, he also suffered a fatal heart attack. But, it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good. And in the subsequent Zimbabwean election the Crocodile Party did rather well. There is now a much greater spirit of levity and prosperity in Zimbabwe. Millions of men who were working in South Africa have now returned to Zimbabwe, thus making corresponding job opportunities available to local people. For the first time in years our unemployment rate is decreasing.

Some people have noticed a resemblance between our Party Party and the Crocodile Party. It is possible that we may have received a generous donation for our advice. We admit that we do earn commission on the inflatable crocodiles and their catchy slogans that are so popular in both countries now. Other countries have shown interest in our methods, and trademarks and franchising opportunities are being explored.

Regarding our performance in parliament, we admit that we were inspired by the antics of the EFF. But we decided to go a different route. We persuaded Edgars (with help from Errol Arendz) to sponsor the smart but funky outfits we wear to every session. I’m not sure who coined the phrase “one hand washes the other”, but it applies in this case, if you know what I mean. The fake rolled up umbrellas with concealed placards was my idea. You must admit that suddenly holding up placards saying YAWN or YADDA YADDA as some politician droned on, gave us lots of TV and newspaper coverage.

One of our younger members came up with the idea that instead of solemnly stalking up the red carpet at the opening of parliament we should skip, while scattering flower petals. Needless to say this went down well with the press.

Next year we will probably arrive en mass on bicycles, while wearing violently hued lycra, every day that it doesn’t rain. When it rains we might skate in while holding umbrellas. We’ll keep you guessing and surprised. But, we will show that the Party Party doesn’t just talk about saving energy and helping to prevent global warming. We take action!

Now, let’s live up to our name and PARTY. The drinks are on us! Strike up the band!”

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