What’s so difficult about this?

This morning, when I returned an audio book to the local Listeners’ Library, the librarian remarked that I had been very quick about returning it. I replied, “Nowadays, with modern technology, people can do just about anything – except put an apostrophe in the right place.”

Her prolonged burst of laughter told me that I had said something pertinent.

The sign below is proudly displayed at a hairdressing establishment near her shop. What’s remarkable about it is that somebody has paid good money for a sign where every single apostrophe is wrongly used. And where there should be one, there is none.

Right at the top of the sign, behind the grill, one can see the words: U ‘n I. But the idiot signwriter has used the wrong version of the apostrophe. He should have used one that looks like a 9, not one that looks like a 6.

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the sign’s MANICURE’S and PEDICURE’S don’t need apostrophes. And that GENTLEMENS needs one (before the S if you are a bit stupid, and really do need my help).

Apostrophes are not that difficult. But most people don’t know or don’t care where they should go. They sort of sprinkle them about at random, letting them fall where they may. If you’d like a brief but full exposition of how to use them go to http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/apostro.asp

A very entertaining lesson on the subject is contained in the first 67 pages of Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss.

And here are some do’s and don’ts from me (incidentally, my spellchecker put a red line under do’s, don’ts and the word spellchecker, which it thinks should be two words):

• Plurals such as memos, CDs and 1800s don’t need apostrophes. But on rare occasions an apostrophe can be inserted to promote greater clarity, such as with do’s, to prevent confusing it with DOS (disk operating system);
• Apostrophes should be used to indicate possession eg, Men’s and ladies’ fashions. Just make sure you put them in the right place (before the s, for singular words, and generally after the s for plural possessions): one boy’s hat, but two boys’ hats;
• The other main use for the apostrophe is to indicate that a letter has been left out of a word, or that two words have been joined together and contracted at the same time: that’s not too difficult, I’m sure you’ll agree. It really isn’t.
• Nothing causes more confusion than the word its. The rule here is that the only time you use it’s is when it is a contraction of it is or it has (the rest of the time it’s its all the way, just like ours and yours).

Go thou and sin no more!

Everything works!

When we arrived in JFK Airport in New York on 2 May 2011 after our 16-hour direct flight from Johannesburg one of the first things we heard was, “Everything works – the toilets, the traffic lights, the phones, you name it, in America everything works!”

This was good news (conveyed by a South African couple who were frequent visitors to the US, and who spent an hour and a half with us in the snaking queue leading to the dreaded immigration officials). Good news, because up to that point everything had not worked to perfection. Our flight from Cape Town to Johannesburg had been delayed for nearly an hour while we waited patiently for containers of food to be brought to the plane. Eventually they gave up, and issued us with meal vouchers which we could redeem at the airport in Johannesburg.

The next leg of our journey on SA Airways turned out to be the inaugural non-stop flight from Joburg to NY (prior to that there had been a stop at Dakar in Senegal along the way). Apparently this was news to the flight attendants who were expecting to be relieved in Dakar. Now they would have too many consecutive flying hours under their belts. So we all sat on the tarmac for an hour while a new crew was rustled up. At least we had food (but had to wait until we took off before we could be served any).

Actually I’m quite a fan of SAA food. On this flight I found it to be hot, tasty, in ample quantity, and served in clever compact containers with real steel knives and forks. (I’m sure I could have staged a hijacking with them if I’d felt like it.) I marvelled at all those stories that food had to be fresh and “just-cooked” to taste right. Some of our meals (there were quite a few on this long flight) must have been many hours old, and yet they tasted just fine to me. I must add that I am easily pleased by food that I did not have to cook myself . . .

I’m not such a fan of SAA’s in-flight entertainment system, though. For a start, movies are edited and censored, presumably so that whole families can watch them together. I’m not fond of the resulting bland fare, and would have happily fitted any sensitive souls near me with blinkers. When I eventually found a movie that seemed to be worth watching, more than once there would be a glitch, and I would have to restart it. Then I tried the music system and found the selection too jarring. All I wanted was some melodic background stuff so I could get on with reading about the USA. But something kept going wrong with the one classical channel that I could find. My Hot Chick companion, who is pretty deft with anything electronic, found similar difficulties.

Mind you, the internal American and Canadian flights we went on were very stingy when it came to free snacks. I once got a small packet of pretzels, and that was it for a month of travelling.

Anyway, we finally arrived in the Big Apple and the first bit of electrically operated apparatus that we encountered after retrieving our luggage was a “moving sidewalk” that refused to move. We walked next to it giving it threatening looks. But nothin’ doin’. So it was with some amusement that I listened to the story that everything works. I was going to have fun with this one . . .

But this story was true; at least it was till we got to the Nob Hill Hotel, San Francisco a few weeks later. (There, our tiny room’s hot water supply failed and the telephone refused to work. They had to move us to a better room and promised us a $40 a night refund.)

By and large everything does seem to work there. American plumbing is particularly impressive. Their toilets are designed so that the water level in toilet bowls is higher than ours. This means that there are no skid marks on the porcelain, and no toilet brushes are needed. There is always plenty of paper: Americans are obviously more honest than us, so there is no need for our frustrating vertical toilet roll holders that make it difficult to steal rolls, and damned difficult to get hold of the one above the empty cardboard tube that I seem to be faced with every second time I get to use a local stall. USA toilet rolls are stacked horizontally above each other, and when one roll gets used up another obligingly rolls into place. Their door locks all work perfectly. Ours, in public facilities, look like they have been stolen and replaced many times, with numerous scars on the woodwork; few work smoothly.

In the USA, faucets, or taps as we call them, seem to have disappeared years ago. Instead there are nifty levers (one lever doing the work of two taps). And, unlike with us, their public facilities always seem to have hot water. And liquid soap. And they’ve got decent paper towels, and/or air hand dryers that actually dry your hands.

Their pedestrian crossings, or “crosswalks”, definitely work better than ours – for a couple of reasons. Firstly, American city blocks are a lot bigger than those in Cape Town. This means that pedestrians walk a fair distance between crossings, and are not faced with crossing a street every few seconds as one would be walking up Long Street. This means they are more inclined to wait for lights to change when they come across them. Secondly, the orange hand telling you to stop and wait is bigger than our little red man and looks more authoritative (the “Walk” “Don’t Walk” signs of old have been replaced by symbols). The white “running man” is the signal to cross, and it gives pedestrians much more time than our green man, which turns to a flashing red man by the time one has only got to the centre island (many local drivers think this means they can now turn across the path of pedestrians, and this forces the nervous to remain stranded in the centre of the road). American drivers wait for everyone to get across, and towards the end of the crossing period the flashing light usually gives a countdown in seconds.

In quieter residential areas, where crossings are not controlled by lights, cars on both sides of the road screech to a halt if a pedestrian looks like she is even vaguely thinking  of crossing the road some time in the future. A woman in Minnesota (where people are renowned for their “niceness”), told me that sometimes she takes pity on motorists who have stopped for her. She obligingly crosses the street so as not to disappoint them, and then sneaks back later when they have moved on.

Incidentally, nobody knows how big a city block is, or how far anything is away from anything else. When asked, people usually say that a landmark is so many blocks, or hours away, but can’t be more precise. One person on the east coast, and another on the west coast told me that there are 12 blocks to the mile. According to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/City_block there is not a word of truth in this belief. The standard block in Manhattan is about 264 by 900 feet (80 × 270 m).

Central Park

Parks, especially Central Park, are well laid out, and have beautiful deciduous trees. Beech, birch, elm, cedar, cherry, crabapple, horse-chestnut, maple, myrtle and oak abound. Wide, smooth cycling paths snake through the parks. I have not seen a public park in South Africa that compares with those in the USA or Canada. Generally in Canada and USA cycling paths are plentiful and much better designed than the few crappy ones that we have. Cities also have plenty of parking places for bicycles. At the University of Minnesota I noticed a huge area where hundreds of student bikes were parked; and I’ve heard that this sight is common at other universities. Yet at the University of Stellenbosch, where the terrain is flat and ideal for cycling, only a few bikes are to be seen. Sad.

Bikes in Central Park

Incidentally, did you know that Prof Chris Barnard, who did the world’s first heart transplant in Cape Town in 1967, was at the University of Minnesota from 1956  to 1958, and was awarded two degrees there: Master of Science in Surgery, and a PhD? That was after he had studied at UCT and gained the degrees of MB ChB, Master of Medicine and Doctor of Medicine (MD). I mention this in case you thought he was just a pretty face.

But I digress. Most of our main roads and highways beat theirs hollow. Especially in the Western Cape our principal roads are smooth and well-maintained, while most of the roads we encountered in New York, San Francisco and LA were pretty bumpy. Only Washington DC seemed to have good roads. During the last seven years many visitors from the USA that I have driven around Cape Town have commented favourably on the excellence of our roads. (Of course they don’t get to see the many potholes that occur on our lesser roads.)

Maybe it’s just me, but I couldn’t buy a cup of coffee in the US that I enjoyed. No matter where I went, or which of the many options I asked for satisfied me. They just seem to make it too strong and bitter. The cartons at Starbucks etc are huge (the smallest is labelled “tall”, and it’s bigger by far than the ones in SA), and each needed four sachets of sugar to make the contents drinkable. Even then a bitter taste remained in my mouth for hours afterwards. After three weeks of trying I gave up and settled for Coke. And don’t even attempt to get a decent cup of tea . . .

The Springbok plan

Have you seen through the devilishly devious De Villiers device of defeat, defeat, defeat to lull the rest of the world into a false sense of security before the Rugby World Cup? Will the Boks be able to gradually decrease the defeat margins, and enter the zone of victory at precisely the right time? Or will they get so good at defeat that they continue to lull their adversaries into repose until after the World Cup is over, and build up an unstoppable momentum for the next one?

World Cup 2015 here we come!

Saving time

La Petite Ferme, Franschhoek, Nov 2010

I am probably not the right person to give anyone advice on how to save time. I come from a family of dreamers, dawdlers and procrastinators. But, amongst this bunch there were some skilled craftsmen, artists, musicians, and warriors. And there was one renowned gambler who became very wealthy, and then lost everything in one night . . .

But we do try to keep our word, and I did promise in an earlier post to give some tips on saving time. So here goes!

One advantage of getting advice from a dawdler like me is that I have really battled to overcome my natural proclivities; I have read a lot on the subject, and even attended a couple of courses aimed at helping hopeless cases. And now, late in life, I think I have a pretty good method for getting things done: 

1. Remember that we all have exactly 168 hours a week. Nobody can give you an extra hour, or take one away. It is up to you to decide how best to use those hours. A good way to start is to do things back to front: reverse what most experts say, and don’t start with written goals (we’ll get to them later). Rather dream of what you would really like to do in your leisure time, if only you had leisure time! Think big, think outrageous, think fun; think of holidays lying in the sun on a white beach with blue water lapping at your feet; think of skiing down a mountain slope with speed and skill; casting a fly for a rising trout; sailing, paragliding, surfing, windsurfing, kite surfing, sand boarding; cycling through country lanes; sipping fine wine while enjoying a beautiful view; reading a good book while listening to relaxing music . . .
   

   La Petite Ferme, Franschhoek, Nov 2010

2. Jot down those dreams. Sort them into things you could do during your annual leave; others that you could do at weekends or on days off; and things that you could do on a daily basis (if only you had the time)! Give yourself some good reasons for wanting to save time.
3. Now let’s look at what you currently do during your 168 hours. How many hours do you spend working? Commuting? Cooking, preparing food and washing up? Showering, shaving and getting dressed? Sleeping? Shopping? Exercising? How many hours are left over for enjoying yourself? Want more?
4. How could you cut down on your commuting time? One way is to combine exercising with commuting by cycling or walking to work. I’ve done it and it’s fun (and a good way to lose weight). Or you could work from home: one of
   

   La Petite Ferme, Franschhoek, Nov 2010

   my sons has organised his life so that he only goes in to his office once a week; with modern electronic communications this is not difficult for many to achieve. Look at all your weekly activities as if you were an efficiency expert being paid to cut time spent on less important things, so that more time could be spent on important and enjoyable things.

5. The best book I’ve seen for getting things done at work or at home is Eat that frog by Brian Tracy. Just click on this link and you can read the whole damn thing for free: http://www.mymmu.net/ebook/Brian_tracy/Brian_Tracy_Eat_That_Frog.pdf (even if you read only the first
   

   Delaire Graff Estate, Stellenbosch, Jan 2010

   few pages you’ll be very glad that you did).

6. Write it down! Making a list of your goals, and a daily to-do list is a great motivator and reminder. I guarantee that the simple act of listing six things that you intend to accomplish the next day, will get a lot more done than by just trying to remember what you want to do. Prioritise them by putting an A next to the most important ones (as recommended by Brian Tracy) and you’ll make sure that, at least, those ones will get done. It is satisfying to tick off each one as you accomplish it. And having a list means that you don’t have to waste time deciding what to do next.
7. You have probably heard of the much-quoted Yale (or Harvard Business School) study of goals in which only 3% of the graduating class had specific written goals for their futures. Twenty years later that 3% was found to be earning an astounding 10 times that of the group that had no clear goals. Apparently that study never took place and the whole thing is a myth. But, if you click on this link you’ll see that a study has finally been done, and it confirms that written goals are much more likely to be achieved http://cdn.sidsavara.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/researchsummary2.pdf 

PS: I have just compared my December 2010 electricity bill with the Dec 2009 one. The comparison shows that I used an average of 5.559 kWh per day in 2010 vs 9.063 units per day in 2009.  This represents an improvement of 38.66 %, and means that I pay only R91.19 (including Vat) for the 34 days up to 30 Dec 2010. This clearly shows the benefit of writing down a commitment (and broadcasting it to friends and the world at large). Saying publicly that I was switching off my hot water cylinder for at least 22 hours a day made me much more diligent about doing it. And, now in mid summer, I switch it on for only 40 minutes in the morning, and 15 minutes at night before washing up the supper dishes. And I never run short of hot water during the day.

Enough! (2)

I have just compared my latest electricity bill with a bill for the same period last year (when the temperature of the geyser had been reduced to 60 degrees C, but I was leaving it on full time). I’m delighted to report that in the first 29 days of September this year I  used 231 kWh, while during 29 days in September last year I consumed 300 units.

This represents a saving of 23 %. And, even though our electricity rates went up sharply this year, I need pay only R133.84 for last month, compared to R155.05 for the same month last year (the exchange rate is hovering at just under R7 to the $).

This clearly shows the benefits of switching off the geyser for 22 hours a day.

Incidentally, after some private correspondence from readers of my last blog, I phoned a few suppliers of geyser timers. It seems that you can get a timer for as little as R300. Most suppliers suggest having the geyser switched on for two hours in the morning and another two in the evening in a normal family home. Doing this will lead to considerable savings in electricity; but you can achieve even better savings by doing some experimenting (I find that 40 to 60 minutes is enough to heat up the geyser in the morning, as mine is fairly well insulated and still retains some warmth from the previous day.) I have also found that it can be switched off after an hour even before I shave and shower, and that switching off doesn’t make any noticeable difference to the temperature of the water while showering.

Also, after some emails, I did some experiments to see if it was cheaper to heat water in a microwave oven or an electric kettle. In my case the kettle (2200 watts) is quicker and more efficient than the microwave (1000 watts). For example, I found that 500 ml of water takes about 1 min 30 sec to boil in the kettle (and that this mixed with some cold water in the bathroom basin was enough to wash the sleep out of my eyes and get me going for the day); while it took 900 ml of water in the microwave at the maximum setting for 4 minutes to achieve the same effect (it got hot, but not hot enough to need mixing with cold water). Doing this every day for 30 days would cost me a total of 96cents in the case of the kettle, and R1.16 for the microwave (at my average rate of 58 cents per kWh).

I also learned that most geysers are rated between 2,000 and 3,000 watts. That means that leaving a geyser on for one hour would use at least two units of electricity (providing that the thermostat did not switch it off automatically during that hour). I would need to boil 500 ml of water in my kettle, from cold, 36 times to use the same amount of electricity.

 Here are some more money-saving tips (some of them will also save you time and trouble):

1. Be water-wise in your garden. In the garden that is part of our block of flats I arranged for a landscape gardener recommended by the local nursery to come round and give us some ideas on improving it. (Landscapers charge a lot to physically re-do one’s garden, but not much for an hour’s consultation). Following her advice and some of my own ideas we have replaced most of our plants with indigenous ones that look attractive, but only need to be watered briefly once a week in our dry summers, and not at all in our wet winters. All prunings and leaves lying on paved areas are gathered and scattered on bare patches between the plants, to act as mulch. Eventually this becomes compost and rots down into the soil. Previously we regularly used to buy black bags to collect all the leaves etc. Now we don’t buy any. We also don’t need to buy any compost, fertilizer or insecticide.
   If you are not using your lawn, do what we did and get rid of it. A variety of trees, plants, vegetables and ground-covers is much less trouble, and, if carefully selected, need much less water. (Think of the wealth of natural vegetation that grows in the Cape Point area: it doesn’t get watered, weeded or fertilized, and yet it covers the land completely.)
2. Cut down on interest payments. Credit card companies rely on the inefficiency of Joe Public. They seduce him with tales of “up to 55 days of interest-free credit”. But few people always remember to pay in full every month before the due date, and end up paying a whack of unnecessary interest. If you use your cell-phone calendar you can arrange for a monthly reminder four days before the payment deadline. As long as you are disciplined a credit card can be a useful, absolutely free tool. I have a Virgin Mastercard that has no annual fees. I got rid of my other card that had an annual fee, and find that one card is all I need. I reckon that most people can save a lot of money trying this tip (after all we used to manage just fine without any credit cards years ago).
3. Stop subscription TV. People in general watch far too much television. Half the time it’s just background noise and an intrusion on good conversation or reading. I find I get more than enough viewing from our four free (apart from annual licence fee) TV channels. They are much criticized. But a diligent 10-minute weekly perusal of the Sunday Times TV Guide enables me to select enough programmes to watch live, and others (including several good full-length movies) to record. Hiring a few DVDs a month works out a lot cheaper than having a subscription TV service running to hundreds of rands a month. If you want to learn something read a book while listening to non-intrusive background music. Get out – go and see a new movie on the big screen with a friend. Beats watching TV any day.
4. Eat less meat. If you eat more than 100 grams of meat a day you can save money by substituting much of it with vegetables, legumes and lentils. They are not only cheaper than meat, they are healthier. And it’s generally much “greener” to farm with things that grow in the soil, than with animals that have to convert lots of feed into meat. When I make chicken stew I use one large chicken breast, a stock cube dissolved in a cup of boiling water, half a cup of lentils, half a cup of soya mince, a heaped tablespoon each of split peas and soup powder, some bay leaves, and one onion, potato and carrot, together with two heaped teaspoons each of mixed herbs, garlic flakes, and Paprika; and a couple of shakes of Tabasco sauce. Add extra hot water as required. After the chicken has been browned stick it in the pot for about 30 minutes. Then remove it, take off the skin and discard, cut the breast up into small pieces and shove them back in the pot to cook for another 30 minutes. This gives me enough for six portions on rice. Even with dishes like bolognaise you can reduce the mince-meat by half, and add soya mince instead. Simply put what you don’t eat immediately into airtight plastic containers and freeze.
5. Reduce convenience foods. Frozen foods, packaged meals, and junk food from KFC etc may be nice as occasional treats, but they are expensive and not as healthy as food you cook yourself. If you “cook ahead” and have several portions of meals in your freezer you never need to buy a takeaway. Just move the next dinner from the freezer to the fridge the night before. Then all it needs is 4 minutes in the microwave at 350 deg C to make it piping hot when you get home from work. BTW ordinary rice gets a bit glutinous if left in the fridge, but cooked brown rice keeps well for a week in an airtight container (no need to freeze).
6. Shaving savings. Here’s a tip that has saved me thousands of rands over the years: prior to putting shaving foam on your face wash it thoroughly with soap and water, rinse, then wash again with soap and water. The double washing gets rid of grit and softens the stubble much better than a single washing. This means that my blades take a long time to get blunt, and usually last two months instead of a week. I also use Schick disposable two-blade plastic razors (other brands work fine but don’t seem to last quite as well as the Schick). To see the softening effect when shampooing your hair, wash it first with soap and water. The hair will be squeaky clean and you will need less shampoo to finish the job.
7. Make a present-pact with family and friends. Instead of agonising for weeks over what to buy each other for Christmas and birthdays enter into an agreement that only children will get presents. Adults are usually happy to enter into a pact for exchanges of text messages or consumables such as bottles of wine. Few modern adults really want any more ornaments, crockery or drinks coasters.
8. Bottled water. Cities in South Africa (and several other countries) have excellent drinking water. You really don’t need to carry bottles of fancy “spring” water that cost around a thousand times more per litre than the stuff that comes out of your tap. If you really can’t bear the thought of drinking out of taps when you go to the toilet, then buy one glass bottle and keep refilling it with fresh water. (Glass is less likely to collect germs than most plastics.) Rinse it with hot water mixed with a little bleach such as Jik once a week. You’ll also be doing your bit to cut down on the mountain of plastic that ends up in landfills.
9. Books and magazines. You don’t have to buy new books. If you wait a while the ones you want will appear in your library, or a friend will buy them. Enter into a swapping pact with friends who share your likes (you don’t have to join a book club). Newspapers and magazines are enticing but expensive; you can get all the hard and soft news you need from the internet. It is amazing how many quality newspapers and magazines such as TIME allow you to read whatever you want for free.
10. Plan ahead. Use the back of till slips to write shopping lists as you use up things in the kitchen. After a few days shove a list into your pocket on the way to work, and remember to go home via a supermarket. Avoid convenience stores – nearly everything they sell is more expensive than similar goods at a supermarket. Leave home a bit earlier and drive with care: you’ll save petrol, save on speeding fines, have fewer accidents and arrive at work in a relaxed frame of mind. Better still, use a bicycle or public transport! Don’t be shy to take lunch and tea-time snacks to work. You’ll save time and a small fortune over a year.
11. Defer desire. If you can refrain from buying the latest electronic gadget as soon as it comes out, you’ll find that subsequent models are usually cheaper and better. Very often second-hand goods are amazing value. My living room is furnished with used furniture that’s been professionally cleaned. The total cost was less than a tenth of what I would have paid for similar modern furniture. And mine is more comfortable!

Enough!

If somebody gave you an extra hour a day and $100 a month would you be happier? Would you do something useful or interesting with the time and money?

If your answer to the above questions is No, then stop reading; you are too stupid to profit from reading any further.

If you would like to find out how to save time and money fairly easily, and at the same time benefit the planet, read on! You might even get some tips on what to do with the time and money saved.

1.  Use a screwdriver to remove the metal plate at the side of your hot water cylinder and reduce the temperature to 60 degrees Celsius (most people can get by with anything between 50 and 60 deg C or 122 to 140 deg F). Doing this reduced my electricity bill by 10 %. If necessary ask a friend to help you. This will save you so much money it’s even worth paying a handyman to come and do this. What are you waiting for? Do it! And while you’re at it, wrap the geyser in a geyser blanket to preserve the heat longer and save even more money.
2. Find out where the trip switch to your hot water cylinder is (mine is labelled “GEYSER”), and switch it off for 22 hours a day. This saves me at least a further 10 % on my electricity bill. And if I can do it so can you. All it needs is a bit of ingenuity. When I wake up in the morning I boil a litre of water in a kettle while brushing my teeth. When the water has boiled I add it to some cold water in the basin and wash the sleep out of my eyes. Then, when I can see what I’m doing, I flip the switch to start heating the geyser while I make myself breakfast and set a timer to go off after one hour. I have a little red one that was given to me years ago, and I put in a spot where it is in the way, and this and the sound of it going off reminds me to switch the geyser off again when I have had my breakfast and shaved, showered and washed up. (You can use an oven timer or a cellphone countdown timer if you don’t have a portable timer.) The water in the geyser will remain hot for several hours. Later on if you need some very hot water for washing up, or whatever, you can simply switch the geyser on for 15 minutes.
3. When washing up I don’t run the cold water tap at all. I simply collect the cold water that initially comes out of the hot water tap in a jug, and use it in the kettle for making tea and coffee. (Experts will tell you that only fresh cold water lightly boiled will make a perfect cup of tea. Bullshit! I challenge these experts to detect the difference in a blind tasting.) Save the planet; don’t waste water!
4. Replace your shower head with a low-flow one. During a recent radio broadcast an expert said that the one simple most effective thing you could do to save electricity, water and the planet was to make this substitution. I haven’t tried it because the hot water pressure of my shower is so low I don’t want to do anything to lessen the force of my shower. But I do confine myself to showers of short duration. Bathing uses a lot more water and electricity. It also wastes time, and doesn’t get you any cleaner than a shower will. Do you really need to bath or shower every day? I know someone who has a good wash every day, and showers once a week. He says he has asked for comments but no-one has detected any dirt or smell. Africans living in mud huts or shacks have perfected the art of doing an all-over wash from a basin of warm water. Most of them never get to shower or bath. Makes you think, doesn’t it?
5. Use the cooking technique outlined in my post “Save the planet!” of 25 April. Here is a crucial sentence from it to give you the general idea: “I now use an old bath towel which I fold to make it slightly bigger than the lid of the pot, so that it and hangs down slightly all round, but remains well clear of the stove surface. Many dishes that are cooked on top of the stove can be cooked this way: just get the thing boiling, put the towel on top, switch off and relax for an hour or so. Instead of hovering over a hot stove, read a book, go for a walk, make love . . . whatever blows your hair back. You can forget about your pot of food; it won’t come to any harm; food will not stick to the bottom of the pot. And when you are ready to eat just warm it up for a few minutes if you’ve left it for several hours.”
6. Don’t go to gym. Unless you are a professional sportsman or a very serious amateur, going to gym is a great way to waste time and money. You don’t need to consciously exercise every muscle in your body; just going for a brisk walk, cycling, or swimming for half an hour five times a week will do your heart, lungs and general health a lot of good, and give you all the exercise you need. It will also help you to lose unwanted fat. If you want to make your body look extra good in a swimming costume you can also add a few muscle-building excercises three times a week. Use an “Iron Gym” attached to the top of a doorframe to do pull-ups, and stretch rubbers with handles attached (available from sports goods stores or Dis-Chem in South Africa) for giving biceps and other muscles a workout. Press your palms against the underneath of a doorframe to provide resistance for calf raises. Press-ups on the floor or dipping between two chairs are a cynch. Use your ingenuity! How many people do you know who have signed on (sometimes for years) for regular gym workouts but only went a few times? How many of them still have hefty debit order deductions every month but never go? You wouldn’t be one of them would you? (Gyms bank on many of their members losing interest; if every member went three times a week most gyms would not be able to cope.)
7. Sell your gas-guzzling car or cars and get a Toyota! I bought a small year-old Toyota Tazz hatchback four and a half years ago and take it in for a service once a year. And that is basically it, apart from a tank of petrol once a month, a little air in the tyres, and water in the windscreen washer tank. No oil. No repairs. No nothing. I have owned many types of cars but nothing compares with this for economy and reliability. A friend followed my example six months after me, and is having the same experience. You really don’t need a big fancy car; only weak minds will be impressed. (I often drive my firm’s very expensive cars, but don’t find them appreciably more comfortable than my modern small car.) Another benefit in buying a good second-hand Japanese car is that it has a great re-sale value. A new, expensive car loses 20 % of its value when you drive it out of the showroom. When my car gets to 100,000 km or so I’ll be able to sell it for only slightly less than what I paid for it.

I think I have gone on long enough for now. But I have a lot more useful ideas on saving money and time which I hope to share with you in a later post. In the meantime why not give some of these ideas a try? You won’t be sorry.

Paaarp!

By all accounts we succeeded in hosting a fabulous world cup. But in the process I fear that we have visited a terrible affliction on the rest of the world.

Local palefaces and numerous people around the world have complained about the endless drone of vuvuzelas during soccer matches. Many took earplugs to matches as horror stories of damage to hearing from devilish decibel levels circulated. With the aid of earplugs my little group of palefaces and I managed to survive our first local live match (France v Uruguay) but I only lasted till half time. I left early mainly because I had to get to work early the next morning.

But another factor was boredom. On a local radio Saturday DIY program Reuben the Screwman was asked if he intended watching the world cup final. He replied that he would rather watch paint dry or grass grow. He added that anything that could go on for more than 90 minutes and not produce a single goal just had to be basically boring. My own view is that soccer is a great game to play, but watching a whole match is purgatory.

So why is the vuvuzela so popular? One reason must be that it gives people something to do during long boring matches. If something happens blow your vuvezela; if something is about to happen blow your vuvezela; if nothing is happening blow your vuvezela. So, matches become one long buzz of loud sound. Another reason is that there is an art to getting a proper sound out of the thing. Once having mastered it one feels the urge to show off one’s prowess.

A further reason is that it has an attractive shape, and comes in many colours and designs. You can wave it at a friend, or hit somebody over the head with it without causing too much damage to the person or the instrument.

As radio presenter Aden Thomas said, “People hate vuvuzelas until you give them one to blow”. This remark was sparked by the tale of an elderly man who was reluctant to go to a match because of the “bloody vuvuzelas”. Then somebody gave him one, and couldn’t get it away from him.

I don’t own one, but have spent a lot of money because of them. During my only live match I wore earplugs. And when I got home I was forced to put them back in in order to get to sleep – some mindless blower somewhere nearby was sounding off at frequent intervals after midnight. The next day I found that I was almost completely deaf in my left ear because the earplug had pushed a wad of wax against that eardrum. I tried to spear the wax with a toothpick. No luck. I tried some special oil from a pharmacist designed to dissolve the wax. No go. After several phonecalls I traced the stockist of an expensive product called Audiclean (ear-cleaning wash) which was being extensively advertised on radio. Didn’t work. Eventually I had to go to a doctor who put a special concoction in the ear that fizzed and bubbled and softened the wax. Then she syringed both ears.

Thanks to the vuvuzela I can now hear much better than before!

Oh. If you get tired of blowing your vuvuzela remember that it has at least one other use. A caller to a local radio station said the things make great candle holders: just invert, and stick the candle in the mouthpiece. The light comes from higher up than a normal bottle or candle holder, and gives much better coverage.

The banker, the bishop and the consul-general

On the last day of January I was asked to take a group of six Germans on a tour around the Cape Peninsula from the Westin Grand Hotel.

While I waited in the tour company’s Vito for the group to arrive a middle-aged man sidled up to me and said that I was to be host to some fairly exalted company: apparently the group included an ambassador and a bishop. I asked him if he was also important, and he replied that he was merely a retired banker. His name was Geiger but he was not related to the inventor of the Gieger Counter.

Later, the ambassador confided that he was actually only a consul-general, and the bishop’s wife told me that the bishop was also a professor of theology at a German university. As we set off with the three VIPs and their wives, Mr Bussman, the consul-general, started doing a commentary in German for his fellow-travellers. I interrupted and asked whether he wanted me to be merely a driver, or if he would like me to contribute. He said that I could chime in at any time if he left out something.

To facilitate this he started doing his commentary in English so that I could tell when to chip in. It didn’t take him long to realise he was losing his audience, so he switched back to German. Because of my knowledge of Afrikaans, a Germanic language, I could figure out more or less what he was saying, and during silences I could add in my tuppenceworth. But I did manage to learn during his brief English commentary that we had more to thank the Germans for than I had realised, such as our new World Cup stadium. (Apparently it was designed by them.) I refrained from saying that an opponent of the stadium had used the words “monstrous carbuncle” and that others had said that it looked for all the world like a giant bed pan.

Most of us quite like our new bedpan

During the journey I asked if they would like me to book for lunch. Mr Bussman said that they intended to have lunch at Constantia Uitsig, and I replied that due to our late start (10.50 am) we wouldn’t get there before 4 pm, and that as far as I knew they expected lunch guests to be there before 2 pm. He felt he could use his influence to get lunch out of them at this late hour.

All went well, and as we drove past Muizenberg I remarked that this had been one of those rare perfect summer days, with a gentle breeze (instead of the usual howling gale) and crystal-clear air. The bishop’s wife confidently announced that they had been in contact with the deity about such matters and persuaded him to see things their way . . .

Their influence did not extend to the restaurant, however. And no pulling of rank could persuade Uitsig to re-open the kitchen at 4 pm. Fortunately we were directed to the new restaurant at Steenberg farm, and they were able to eat to their hearts’ content at Bistro 1682.

Although the day dragged on for a lot longer than the allotted eight hours the smiles and generous tip at the end indicated that they had enjoyed their voyage around the Fairest Cape.

Save the planet!

Rice being cooked under a towel

I have just watched Al Gore’s film An Inconvenient Truth on TV and am inspired to pass on an easy little tip that can help to make your life easier, save money, and can make a difference to the health of the planet if a lot of people follow my advice.

A few years ago, while making a stew, I thought of trying the old “hay box” technique for cooking the stew without having to keep checking on its progress, and stirring it from time to time. The idea of the hay box is that you shove your pot of stew or whatever into it once you have brought the pot to the boil. You leave it there for a couple of insulated hours. And with any sort of luck the stew will be cooked and ready to eat.

I didn’t have a hay box or hot box, and didn’t know where to find one. But then the thought occurred to me that heat rises, and maybe it wouldn’t matter too much if I didn’t have padding all round. If I simply piled some insulating material on top of the pot, perhaps I could achieve the same result. So I put a couple of oven gloves side by side on top of the lid, and a tea cosy, lying flat on top of them. And switched off the stove.

An hour later the stew was cooked, and still hot. I now use an old bath towel which I fold to make it slightly bigger than the lid of the pot, so that it and hangs down slightly all round, but remains well clear of the stove surface. Many dishes that are cooked on top of the stove can be cooked this way: just get the thing boiling, put the towel on top, switch off and relax for an hour or so. Instead of hovering over a hot stove, read a book, go for a walk, make love . . . whatever blows your hair back. You can forget about your pot of food; it won’t come to any harm; food will not stick to the bottom of the pot. And when you are ready to eat just warm it up for a few minutes if you’ve left it for several hours. With rice, I don’t even bother to get the pot boiling before I switch off. I simply switch a stove plate on to maximum heat, put half a cup of rice, and one cup of boiling water in a pot, stir, and put it on the stove with the towel on top. Four minutes later I switch off and let it stand for an hour. The result is enough fluffy rice for three meals. Even the cheapest brand of white rice, or expensive brown rice, cooks perfectly every time.

My char has followed my lead and now starts her cooking, using my method, before she leaves for work in the morning. When her children come home from school there is food for everyone. She is so impressed that she has got her friends doing the same thing.

I should mention that my stove has solid plates which retain heat for some time. If you are using gas or spiral plates you may need to experiment a bit with more insulation or slightly longer cooking before switching off. For further information on what dishes respond best, or how to make a hay box for taking on camping trips simply google “hay box”. A good site is http://www.mothercityliving.co.za/20080818/10-really-good-reasons-to-get-a-hay-box-or-make-your-own/

Let me know how it goes.

How to lose weight and look great!

1. Eat less.

2. Exercise more.

THE END

————————————————————

It really is as simple as that. But most inhabitants of the developed world are getting fatter by the day, feel bad about it, and would pay a fortune to look fabulous.

And many do. Pay a fortune that is. Trouble is they don’t research the problem. They buy the latest diet books, believe advertisements promoting diet pills and potions, or click on internet advertisements that promise to reduce their fat stomachs with “1 Wierd Old Tip”. But no way do you get that tip without parting with money, and getting bombarded with endless emails offering help. Help that requires you to part with more money. There are a lot of very convincing “experts” out there. Handing out good and bad advice, and making people feel guilty about things that are okay in moderation.

Let’s take one of the most famous: Patrick Holford. If you google “patrick holford scam” you should come across a website (http://holfordwatch.info/2009/02/)) that gives the following valuable information:

“Myth: Holford is a highly qualified nutritionist

(Former) Visiting Professor Patrick Holford has no accredited degree-level or postgraduate-level qualifications in nutrition. He has never taken any exams or been subjected to a critical appraisal of his knowledge of the sort one might expect with qualifications. Holford’s sole university degree is a BSc in Psychology from York (he earned a 2.2). Holford registered for an MPhil at Surrey University with a view to converting to a PhD (which is the normal pattern) but failed to meet the conversion requirements for a PhD. Unfortunately, whatever work he had submitted, in combination with his poor conversion viva, does not seem to have been sufficient to attain the basic level of work that would be necessary to have obtained an MPhil award. Holford’s only ‘qualification’ in nutrition is an honorary one. He must have been especially gratified when he was awarded an honorary DipION from the Institute for Optimum Nutrition, while he was Director. However, Holford can legally call himself a nutritionist in Britain – ‘Nutritionist’ is not a protected title in the UK, and anyone is free to use it – unlike the term, Registered Dietitian (Catherine Collins RD has some very interesting observations on this point).”

Now let’s think logically about a lot of advice that gets handed out and accepted by the gullible. Such as, “You can combine food but never protein and carbohydrate”, or “Eat raw fruit and vegetables before every meal” or “Drink eight glasses of water a day”.

Why would man evolve into a being that had to live by such rules? Or, if you prefer, why would a Creator design such a finicky creature? Perfectly healthy people have lived in different parts of the world for thousands of years eating whatever they could get their hands on. Few of them got fat because they had to spend a lot of energy each day getting enough food to fill their bellies. They ate when they felt hungry, drank when they felt thirsty, and slept when they felt sleepy. Animals in the wild still do, and it seems to work for them.

I have a well-thumbed copy of my grandfather’s favourite book in front of me, the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. It contains a famous stanza in two different versions, which I have combined into one “improved” version:

       A book of verse beneath the bough
       A jug of wine, a loaf of bread – and Thou
       Beside me singing in the wilderness
       And wilderness is paradise enow

That sounds like a contented man who has his needs sorted: mental stimulation, delicious food and drink, a loving companion, and music, all combined in a beautiful setting. What’s not to like. Omar (who was a famous mathematician and astronomer, as well as being a philosopher and poet) died in 1131 at the age of 83. Now the inhabitants of his country think it is a sin to drink wine (which was first invented there about 7000 years ago), and also sin to eat pork. Not what I would call progress.

A few years ago I paid to have a consultation with the renowned sports scientist, Tim Noakes. I asked him about the ideal amount of exercise and he said it seemed to be between two and five hours per week. Mainly cardiovascular. “Do what you enjoy; running, cycling, walking or swimming are all good”. (The experts tend to be non-dogmatic.) I also gathered that there had been no scientific study concluding that we should drink eight glasses of water a day. “Drink when you feel thirsty” was the gist of it. (Noakes caused a storm of criticism in the 80s when he said that many runners were drinking too much during marathon events, and that several had died from this, particularly in the USA. Now his research has been validated.)

The body is an extraordinarily adept organism that can survive for 40 days without food, 4 days without liquid, but only 4 minutes without air. We really don’t need to walk around with bottles of water, sipping away as though we’re going to dehydrate if we go for an hour without water.

Last year I went to a lecture by a South African who had run the Great Wall of China (a good way to lose weight). If you click on http://www.southafrica.info/features/milesforsmiles.htm you can read the whole story, starting with this paragraph: “South African endurance athletes David Grier and Braam Malherbe arrived home in time for Christmas having spent four months covering around 5 000 kilometres and some of the harshest terrain on the planet to become the first people in recorded history to run the Great Wall of China from start to finish, in one go, on foot.”

Can you imagine how tough it is to run a marathon nearly every day for four months?

During their run they came across villagers who were so poor, and had such limited resources, that they seemingly existed on a diet of potatoes. And had a little meat about once a year. The human body is an amazing thing that doesn’t need all the mollycoddling that modern “experts” try to shove down our throats. But, if you really want to get healthy, lose weight and keep it off, do what I did. Go and see a registered dietician. She will find out what food you like, help draw up a diet that includes your preferences, email you recipes, suggest suitable exercise and generally help you to make the process enjoyable. In a nutshell you’ll be encouraged to eat more fish, fowl and fibre; eat between meals and try to achieve a 90 % adherence. This means that, of the 21 main meals a week, 2 can be decadent. I lost 5 kg in a few months. And got great satisfaction when I took a pair of trousers to a seamstress to have the waist taken in, and heard her remarking to a customer, “See how nice he looks!” Next time I’ll tell of a few sumptuous meals Hot Chick and I went to. (She knows about diets, but prefers hers. It seems to consist of wine, chocolate and cocktails; and the occasional meal in a restaurant. She looks fantastic, but admits that she is now a bit more voluptuous than she would like to be.)